Everyone Has The Right To Go

I'm sure that I wasn't the only one who was often told during a lesson that I wasn't allowed to go to the toilet. Teachers would say "you should have gone at break time". Even though break time was 2 hours ago, for some reason that was a valid reason. Every time a teacher said that to me I felt like saying "I didn't need to go a break time, I need to go now". I never saw how a 2 minute toilet break would be such a huge issue.

I would actually be going to the toilet between every lesson, just in case because I knew that there was about a 90% chance that I wouldn't be allowed to go during a lesson.

Even when the toilets were literally about 5 steps away from the classroom, it was still not allowed for anyone to go. Come on teachers, what do you want us to do? Wet ourselves in your lesson? I'm sure you'd love that.

Also, on hot days there is always a notification at the start of the day to make sure you drink plenty of water. Why tell us to drink lots of water; then when we inevitably need to go to the toilet, tell us we can't go?  I would often go all day without drinking anything at school, just so I wouldn't have to go to the toilet.

The teachers think people just go to the toilet to hang around and skip lessons. There are people that skip lessons, but they obviously don't go to the toilets to do that. When one of the sets of toilets were renovated the school decided to put no wall on the front, and no mirrors so that people wouldn't hang around between or during lessons. Who's stupid idea was that? No one is going to want to use toilets that mean EVERYONE in the hallway can hear everything. No one wants to hear other people going to the toilet.

You've got to go when you've got to go right? So why aren't we allowed to? We also deserve some privacy.

Thanks for reading, please let me know your thoughts on this in the comments section below.

Bye x

Why Nobody Talks About It

Generally, no one talks about anxiety and metal health because there is such a misconception about mental health in general.

I know that the main reason why I haven't really spoken to many people about my struggles with my mental health is because people are very quick to judge. They think if you can't see something then it's not real and you're just making it up.

Very early on in my start at high school, I even had a doctor telling me I just had to pull myself together and I just go to school. A trained doctor was even telling me this, someone who is supposed to understand and help you was practically telling me that I was being stupid. If a doctor couldn't understand, how could I expect my peers to understand?

Believe it or not, I've even had people who were supposed to be my friends telling me to get on with it.

During my GCSE's someone who was supposed to be my friend, said that they didn't think anxiety was a real thing, they said that everyone gets nervous and you just have to deal with it. At that moment, I no longer considered them my friend.

One of my closest friends in year 7 and 8 would force me to perform in front of the class in music and drama, because according to them 'it's good for my confidence'. Which it definitely wasn't because every time I had to do it, I'd go home crying. You wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair to get up and walk. That's what it's like for someone with anxiety to stand up in front of a room of people. A mental barrier is just as bad as a physical one; the only difference is that you can't see it.

If people were just a bit more understanding and open minded about mental health, then maybe more people would actually talk about it and not feel like they're the only one.

Thanks for reading x

Feel free to leave a comment below. I really appreciate everyone's support. x

Bye x

Virtual Life VS Real Life

If only life was measured in XP and levels. If it were I’d be a pro at life. One of my greatest hobbies/ passions is gaming.  My favourite games are World Of Warcraft, (WoW) Hearthstone, Heroes Of The Storm, Skyrim and The Sims; World of Warcraft being how I spend most of my time (bad I know).

I’m good at WoW; I’d even go as far as to say I’m quite brilliant at it. I’ve put many dedicated hours into making my character better, whether that’s getting good gear, gold or practicing running raids and dungeons. And I like to think that I’ve mastered the art of moderating raid chats, which at times can be a very unfriendly place.

I’m also in a social raiding guild, which is ironic considering I have social anxiety. I chat with my fellow guildies quite comfortably in guild chat. It’s easier for me to talk to people if I write what I want to say. So therefore in-game chat is much easier for me because I don’t have to worry about the other people because they’re not standing right in front of me.

I know that in real life you do get better at things by practicing, but in life you can’t measure your success by what ‘level’ you are or XP. But for me, if I’ve had a tough day or something is making me anxious, gaming is an escape for me because I can just log on and anything that’s happening in real life is irrelevant in game.

Thanks for reading, if any of my gaming words confused you please see below for a little dictionary.

Bye x

Gaming Terms:

XP- experience points, when you get a certain amount of points, you level up.

Guild- A group of players that can chat together, as well as run raids to earn achievements.

Raid- A group of 10-25 players who work together to defeat various bosses and NPCs (non-player characters) for rewards, such as gold or gear items.

Dungeon- A small raid type instance typically containing 5 players who aim to defeat easier bosses and NPCs for less powerful gear rewards.

Guildies- The other people in your guild. 

Those Teachers...

I found that in high school, although there are some very nice and understanding teachers, there are also some awful, mean teachers. Those teachers that single you out in front of a class of 25+ other people.

Those dreaded moments in the lesson when the teacher asks a question and no one puts their hand up so they pick someone to answer the question. It seems like even though you're trying to look as if you're doing your work so they won't pick on you, they do it any way. Is this like a weird sixth sense that they can almost feel the anxiety radiating from you and think 'I know, I'll be really mean and pick on that one person that is the least comfortable speaking in front of people'. Why? Just why?

My GCSE maths teacher had this pot of lolly sticks that we each had to write our name on one and when there was a question, she would pick a lolly stick from the pot; and the name that is written on it is the person that has to answer the question. In what universe is that idea, something that ANYONE would enjoy, well it isn't. Even for people that don't mind speaking in front of the class that's a bad idea.

In that case there is no technique to avoid being singled out, which sucks. But if the teacher just chooses someone to answer then there are a few techniques that i've picked up.

1. Look as if you're working, even if you're not. Pretend to be reading your work.

2. Don't make eye contact. This works especially well, if you have a teacher that hasn't learnt everyone's names yet. If they can't get your attention, they can't pick on you :)

3. If you have a dictionary handy, look like you're reading that. This works especially well in Foreign Language and English lessons.

4. If you have the choice where to sit, sit in the middle row. When teachers are looking for someone to pick on, they either look towards the front or the back. Because people look to hide at the back, and teachers know that. People at the front are easy targets because they're right there and easy to point at.

These are my tips and tricks for getting through bad lessons, with those teachers that are just mean. From 5 years of practice, one of these will work most of the time.

Thanks for reading

Bye x

My Fresh Start

This week I started sixth form. After almost a year of being completely out of school, not only did I go back; I started over. A brand new school, and a brand new start. I don't know anyone there and I've only been there a few times, but I feel happy about going and when I think about starting full time in September; I'm excited.

For the first time in over 10 years I look forward to going to school. It's a weird feeling for me because I don't remember a time when I really, genuinely enjoyed school. I've never liked going, thats just the way it's always been for me. Wake up, get through the day and go home.

I think I've always known that most people don't feel like I do, but it wasn't until I started hight school that someone was finally able to tell me what was 'wrong' with me. I have anxiety. It's hard to try and explain to people who don't have it what it feels like. Believe me, I've had to explain it to a fair number of people over the last few years.

Looking back most of my time at school was coming up with excuses to tell people why I wasn't in that french lesson, or why I did my english presentations after school when everyone else did theirs in front of everyone during the lesson. And even if I did tell people they would have to be someone I trusted a lot, because rumours spread quickly in school.

People think that if you have mental health problems that means you need to be locked up because you're some sort of crazy weirdo. But thats not true at all, and I wish people would realise that; because at the end of the day your mental health has just as much of an impact on you as a physical problem is. Just because you can't see something, that doesn't mean that its not there.

There's more to my story than just a few paragraphs of writing. So I guess I'll just have to do more posts about it.

Thanks for reading x